Fighting Dumb Gun Arguments with Dumber Gun Arguments

Any time there’s a big shooting there are two opposing, and hilarious, gun solutions that emerge. The first side says that guns need to be made completely illegal. Right, because once guns are made illegal, how could criminals possibly get access to guns?

Criminal 1: Aw man, guns are illegal now? Crap, how are we gonna kill people and rob stuff?
Criminal 2: I don’t know man, maybe we could build a home-made gun? Wait, I have a better idea, we could buy guns illegally, from an illegal gun-maker! You know, since we’re criminals.
Criminal 1: Yeah, that’s a great idea!
Criminal 2: And now non-criminals have even fewer guns, so we can shoot them more.
Criminal 1: I love it! Now shooting non-criminals will be like shooting fish in a barrel, except they’re people and not in a barrel.

There’s an opposing side that argues if everyone had a gun, then none of these mass killings would happen, because of retaliation, or the fear of retaliation. Yes, nothing says safety like everyone having a gun. Actually, when that happens, getting shot will just become an everyday thing.

Court Room: Post Everyone-Has-A-Gun Era

Judge: Alright, I understand you shot and killed a man at a house party?
Shooter: Well, yeah. But it was a simple mistake. We were having an argument about who sings that “Call me Maybe” song, you know the song?
Judge: Of course.
Shooter: Well, I was saying it was Carley Rae Jepsen – which it is – and this lunatic was saying it was Miley Cyrus. Well, things got a little heated, and he reached into his coat pocket. Now, I assumed he was reaching for his gun, you know, since everyone owns a gun.
Judge: Naturally, go on.
Shooter: Well, I pulled out my gun (because obviously I own a gun) and shot him in self-defense. Turned out he was just reaching for his Iphone to google who sings “Call me maybe.”
Judge: Carley Rae Jepsen right?
Shooter: Yes!
Judge: I knew it. Well, he should have known you can’t reach into your pocket during an argument these days, not with everyone owning a gun.
Shooter: Right, and everyone knows you should wear a bullet proof jacket at all times, what with everyone owning a gun.
Judge: Alright, well you’re free to go. Just try not to get in any more arguments. We can’t be getting in arguments these days, with everyone owning a gun and all.


Just think, if everyone had fists, there’d be no more punching! No one would want to risk getting a retaliation punch, and a retaliation punch would stop the punching. What’s that, everyone does have fists and people still punch each other all the time? Okay okay, I have a better analogy. If every country had a nuke, it’d be a safer world, because no country would be dumb enough to fire a nuke with the risk of a nuclear retaliation! You’d have to be crazy to fire a nuke! What’s that? People some people are crazy? Hmm…well my point is, if everyone could be completely sane and rational, then having a nuke would make the world a safer place. I’m sorry? You’re saying if everyone was completely sane and rational there’d be no need for nukes in the first place? Well … you know what, I don’t like the way you talk down to me (pulls out gun, waves it around, gets desired silence).

There are some problems that just don’t have solutions, and yet people require action. Therefore, I propose we invade North Dakota, call it the War Against Violence, and send in our corporations to harness their wind energy.


2 Responses to “Fighting Dumb Gun Arguments with Dumber Gun Arguments”

  1. Comedy doesn’t kill people, only bad comedy. But yours is pretty good, so I think we’ll all be okay.

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