Glasses


I had to get new glasses the other day, and the whole process took me five hours from start to finish, between driving and parking and eye exam and frame selection and paperwork. In the end, I returned home five hours later empty-handed except for a parking ticket.  Lenscrafters didn’t have my lenses in stock, so I’ll have to drive back there in 7-10 days to get them.  Little life errands like these can completely throw me off my game.  I mean, five hours, and I’m still blind.  It’s all very frustrating.  I get that you have to do this stuff in life, but what I don’t get is how people keep up with everything – especially in NYC where everything takes longer due to traffic and parking and overcrowding and lines.

The dentist, the doctor, the pharmacy, optometrist, glasses, contacts, salein solution, cell phone, health insurance, haircut, passport, driver’s license, car insurance, car registration, car inspection, oil change, auto repair, new shoes, clothes, shave, groceries, oil change, weddings, utilities, rent, credit cards, home repairs, plumbing, and the list goes on and on and at the end of the day it’s a full time job just to be functional, let alone to do your full time job.  It’s no wonder nobody votes; voting is just one more thing that requires  you to drive somewhere and stand in line and when you leave you have another parking ticket because the sign was blocked by a tree!  God forbid you get a dog or have a baby.

That’s why there’s always part of me that hopes aliens attack, or some solar storm knocks out the power grid like NASA is warning.   There’s an element of the doomsday scenario that would make life so simple.   No worries about bills, or career, or economy, or social status – you just do your best to stay alive, and that’s it.   Wake up, forage for food, hide from aliens, try to kill an alien, find a new hiding place at night, and try to get some sleep for another big day of survivin’!  Doesn’t that sound great?

Sure, we’re surviving now, but it’s too easy.  I mean everybody’s doing it.   You wake up in the morning and the primal instinct is to hunt for food, but then you walk to your fridge and you go, “Well that was easy.”  Then you think, “Now what?  Should I keep eating??”  So you eat two bowls of cereal instead of one, and now you feel like crap,  and you have to exercise and take blood thinning medication and watch your diet and it’s all so stressful!

An alien attack would certainly cut down on the obesity pandemic.  You’d burn so many calories on the run from aliens, and you’d barely think about food – let alone be bombarded with food advertisements from every direction.  You’d lose weight and feel great, and suddenly you’re happy and confident for the first time in years.  You have the energy of a child again,  and you’re practically stress-free.  Thanks aliens, you’re destruction of the human race saved my life!

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