Animal Attack Self Defense Guide

One problem with defending yourself in the wild is that each attacker is different. It’s difficult to remember the proper protocol from one species to the next. Therefore, I’ve compiled a list you can print and carry around with you, in the likely event of a vicious attack:

Bear: Play dead (but only if you’re okay with dying)

Wolf: Don’t smile as it will see your teeth as a sign of aggression. Also, why were you just smiling at a wolf?

Coyote: Yell or throw rocks. Do not feed your cat to it. If all else fails, feed your cat to it.

Neighbor’s dog charging (off leash): Hold ground and use commanding voice – say, “No!” or “Bad dog!” Then punch your neighbor in the face.

Cat charging: pepper spray

Bunny charging: cuddle

Pack of bunnies: ballistic missile

Snapping Turtle: Walk away. If it gives chase, continue walking. Don’t stop and brag about how fast you are. The turtle is slow, but steady.

Alligator: say “see ya later.” If that doesn’t work, add a winky emoticon.

Crocodile: say “in a while,” unless you can think of something more clever, but some say that is impossible.

Komodo Dragon: let it eat you. This is one of the most endangered species in the world and it needs our help.

Regular Dragon: fire extinguisher / Vin Diesel

Kraken: try not to release it

Avatar bird thing: interlock hair braid and fly with it immediately or you lose the bond

Zombie: Find a male dork friend. He will be prepared.

Vampire: a) sunlight b) tear off head c) wooden stake to heart d) acting classes e) be unattractive – vampires only go after hotties, so if you’re a seven or below, you should be good.

Vampire bat: Have a face to face scream-off with it. This will scar you for life but it’s the only option.

Cow: tip

Chupacabra: See “Coyote” (above), or an Optometrist

Bigfoot: turn on camcorder (preferably poor resolution and shaky)

Hydra: do not cut off head. Try cutting off legs. Once it has has a bunch of legs it should just fall over.

Pirates (Somali): let them capture you so you learn your lesson about taking a cruise near Somalia.

Pirates (eye patch, peg leg, hook hand): aim for other eye, other leg, other hand

Siren: counter song with Karaoke (“Hit me with your best shot,” or “Dirty Deeds”)


2 Responses to “Animal Attack Self Defense Guide”

  1. Totally funnier when you hear Joe saying these things. . I still laughed out loud. . Love His Humor! :)

  2. Andrew Stillman Says:

    Glad to see a comedian that doesn’t need to load his bit with profanity to be insanely funny, Kudo’s to Joe!

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