My emails are impressive –
so concise and courteous.
Such rapid response time,
with thoughtful answers
to your questions.
You receive a well written reply
within just minutes…seconds.
Often with a well-placed exclamation point
indicating my enthusiasm
for helping you!
Rarely a smiley face
but if the situation demands one
I do not hesitate :)
(Bang, smiley face in your face)
You are charmed.
“It’s like he knows “Strunk & White”
by heart,” you must think
refreshed by my grammar.
“I wish we could get him to work at our company…
but we probably can’t afford him.”
You must fantasize about having me
as a “team member.”
Having my email professionalism on your side –
at your disposal.
It would be impossible for you to know
I’m lying in bed as I write you (or is it “laying”?)
wearing just a robe (no belt)
scrolling through various websites
seeking employment
whilst wondering where this missing robe belt went
drinking sugar-free red bulls
responding rapidly and courteously
professionally.
It would be impossible for the couple
whose house I’m in to know
I’m in their bed, in the nude.
“Who could possibly find the secret
hiding place for our key, under the mat?”
They might wonder.
Well, a savvy entrepreneur could.
I might respond.
Maybe a straight-shooter who thinks outside the box
could find the hidden key under your mat.
So here I lie (lay?)
being impressive…
productive…
valuable.
The couple would be blown away
by the proficiency of my emailing (does e-mailing have a hyphen?)
and probably offer me
a full-time house-sitting position.
Watering the plants…feeding the dog
as opposed to sedating the dog.
(his breathing has quickened – he will wake soon)
It would be impossible for you to know
I’d do a full day’s work for a bottle of Ritalin
or a Chipotle burrito
or a forty of Olde English.
I would never admit to that
in an email.
“Feel free to call me if you have any other questions, and thanks again for your time.”
(I write insincerely)
Sincerely,
Joe Zimmerman
(phone number)
(email)
(website)
(“Quote from a famous author in italics that says something about who I am, even though I didn’t write it.” -Mark Twain probably)
A Brief History of this one time 
When is your chapbook coming out? Mittens, Snowball, Perkins, Harry, Jambalaya, Cookie, Mr. Bojangles and I are very excited about it.
I was thinking I’d do one of those pay-to-publish poetry anthologies… but a chapbook could be the answer I’ve been looking for…