Death of a Mail-man


How does the Post Office continue to exist? It’s a business that, like the Yellow Pages, is no longer necessary. It also represents a colossal waste of paper and fuel. With the exception of packages (which could also be sent using FedEx or UPS) there is no mail I receive that couldn’t be sent electronically. Am I the only person who cringes any time I have to mail something? I had to send someone a $50 check, and I asked, “Can I Paypal you?”
“No, we need a check.”
Why? How are there functioning businesses in the world that don’t use PayPal?

Here are the steps I went through to send that $50 check:
Step 1) Find check book. Nope, failure. Checkbook is missing.
Step 2) Drive to the bank and get a temporary check or money order. Nope, failure. I’m not an advantage customer at Bank of America, so I need to pay for a new checkbook, which will arrive in the mail in ten days (Probably would have been three with UPS).
Step 3) Retrieve checkbook from mail box. Nope, failure. I’m on the road and won’t be home for two more weeks.
Step 4) Day 24, return home, get checkbook, find stamp and envelope, Nope, failure. I have neither.
step 5) Drive to the Post Office to buy a stamped envelope. Nope. Post Office is closed for President’s day, or Groundhog’s day, or Cinco De Mayo, or because it’s 4:05 and my Post Office closes at 4. They don’t care – they don’t get paid enough to be open all the time.
Step 6) Day 25, return to post office and stand in a long line. Successfully buy the envelope and stamp, booyah! Ready to send, but WAIT, I don’t have the mailing address.
Step 7) Return home and find address. Fill out envelope and put it in the mail!

After 25 long and arduous days, mission accomplished!

Day 32 – I receive a call (oh no). “Hey Joe, did you ever send that check?”
“Yes.”
“We never got it. Can you send another?”
I have an idea, how about you let me pay you through PayPal so I can move on with my life?
No, we need a check.
(Muffled scream heard by neighbor)

I just spent a lot of my life, trying to pay this person money, that I’d rather keep. You’re making me do a lot of grunt work, so I can have less money? I know what you’re thinking: “Joe, you need to get more organized. Why not just buy extra stamps and envelopes, so that you don’t have to go to the Post Office next time?”
I’ll tell you why, predictable question asker: a) I’ll lose them, that should have been obvious, and b) each time I stand in line at the post office I promise myself to never return.

Moral: It’s 2010, which sounds like an extremely futuristic year. It’s time to update to PayPal and let the laser robots take over.

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3 Responses to “Death of a Mail-man”

  1. I wouldn’t trust a laser robot just yet, but those businesses definitely need to start accepting other forms of payment.

  2. Here’s the joke I opened my last pathetic open mic set with:

    THEY’RE DOING IT AGAIN!!!!!!!! The postal service is raising rates. Pretty soon, a first class letter will cost 46 cents. All across America, people are rising up and screaming, “WTF is a ‘*LETTER*’????”

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