That Dirty, Dirty Starbucks Mermaid

Starbucks’ original logo (above right) was put to rest several years ago due to complaints about the promiscuity of the bare breasts and inviting position of the raised double-tail. Above left, is the replacement logo which features a more conservative mermaid. This year however, for a “special promotion,” the promiscuous mermaid/siren of old is back, and she’s already stirring up controversy:

Says Mark Dice, from a San Diego Based Christian Group, “The Starbucks logo has a naked woman on it with her legs spread like a prostitute. Need I say more? The company might as well call itself Slutbucks.”

Are you even allowed to say Slutbucks if you belong to a conservative Christian Group? I’m pretty sure you just got kicked out of your group. I’m also pretty sure you just unknowingly gave name to the next big X rated hit: “Slutbuck’s: you dirty, dirty Mermaid,” which will take place on a low budget set of a castle under the sea, with porn stars in cheap mermaid costumes, and the lead male part played by a guy in a lobster costume.

I rarely find myself in agreement with random quotes from hard-line Christian groups, but I must say—I kind of see what Mark is saying. I mean, look at the picture. This mermaid is not only topless, but her two tails are spread above her head, and held back by her hands, as if to say, “Hi, welcome to Starbucks!”
“Would you like to bang a horny Mermaid?”
Last I checked, mermaids don’t even have two tails, which means they’ve created an even more fictional mermaid (if that’s even possible) just for the sake of male fantasies.

Furthermore, can anyone tell me what mermaids and coffee have in common? Even Howard Schultz (the CEO) basically said something along the lines of, “Yeah, I just thought the mermaid was kind of hot.” Okay his actual quote was “rubenesque.” Still, Ruben is a painter known primarily for his paintings of naked women, so really Schultz was just saying she was “naked woman-esque.”

Now, using logic if a) a mermaid and coffee have nothing to do with each other, and b) the mermaid is the brand for an entire coffee chain, than I conclude c) the mermaid is there for subliminal, marketing purposes. That’s right, Starbucks is clearly marketing to pirates. When a pirate see’s the promiscuous mermaid, he’s pretty much going to think he’s at the ideal port.
(Pirate enters coffee shop, looks around).
“Hi, welcome to Starbucks!”
“Yeah, yar, ahem. This be my first time here! I just be seein’ the sign out front (stops to look around, adjusts wooden leg, tells parrot to shut up). Perhaps you could point me to the eh, ahem…the mermaid concubines. Are they upstairs, or is that there metal machine some sort of aquarium? I’ve been out to sea for quite some time… I see I can get a tall bold one for two bucks? Well that’s certainly reasonable.”

Let’s face it, ever since Disney’s Little Mermaid, every dude has had a mermaid fantasy. You know the one I’m talking about, where you and the mermaid barista are making sweet aquatic love in the prep sink, with the smooth jazz of Wes Montgomery in the background – she’s pooring hot espresso all over your chest and shouting, “Don’t stop, you’re so..GRANDE!!” and you’re like, “That’s right, I’m average…you naughty, naughty sea-creature!”

Surely you know the fantasy I’m talking about – the one where she doesn’t say “tall,” or “kid’s hot chocolate.”


8 Responses to “That Dirty, Dirty Starbucks Mermaid”

  1. iloveollie Says:

    You are amazing. The end.

  2. I thought you might like this book about mermaids that I found.

  3. omg- first let me say that Your amazing and your blog completley made my day. secondly, I notced this too a few weeks ago on the special promotion coffee at starbucks in vancouver Canada- and after going off for about twenty mins that it’s the most retarded thing I’ve ever seen- I realised that the old standby of starbuck coffee logo f. on the left has been holding two tails all along- thus shattering my childhood dreams.

    I refuse to buy any starbucks from here on in ( not bc I’m some crazy feminist, but basically bc the economy sucks and I can’t afford a $5 coffee in the first place)

  4. Images of mermaids can be found in ancient Greek pottery and mosaic. Many of these mermaids have a split tail; a feature commonly found in ancient concepts of a mermaid’s appearance.

  5. If you had done a little research before your little rant you would have found out the a creature called a melusine and you might know that mermaids are legends from sailors not pirates. Also you might have found out that this symbol has been largely seen in old Italy and yes may be a bit promiscuous but in fact from centuries ago and not born by Starbucks

  6. Brit, this blog was posted July 10 2008 (more than four years ago), based on the old Starbucks logo, and if I remember correctly I wasn’t saying it was too promiscuous, but was poking fun at the people who were. My “agreement” with the hardline christian was done for the sake of humor (i.e. sarcasm). Are you aware that this is a humor blog posted on my website and not a research paper? Even so, I don’t think the facts are off. I never claim that the the mermaid was born by Starbucks, and I’m also not going to call it a “melusine” because no one knows what a “melusine” is except for you (congratulations), and because clearly it’s a mermaid.

    Everyone else refers to it as the Starbucks mermaid, so if you’d like people to start calling it the Starbucks “melusine” you’ll have to take that up with pop culture or Starbucks. I also never said it was a legend from pirates – I simply used a pirate in my fictional illustration of what kind of clientele the image would potentially attract. I’m not sure you really read this at all actually. Is there a deeper issue here for you? I feel like something else must be bothering you.

    • “Last I checked, mermaids don’t even have two tails, which means they’ve [Starbucks] created an even more fictional mermaid (if that’s even possible) just for the sake of male fantasies.” – Joe Zimmerman

      “Even so, I don’t think the facts are off. I never claim that the the mermaid was born by Starbucks…” -Joe Zimmerman

      Even if this is just a humor blog, I don’t think you should accuse the company of, “creating a more fictional mermaid for the sake of male fantasies,” when this idea has been around since ancient Greece.

      The company was named after a character in Moby Dick, the founder’s favorite book. Moby Dick = Nautical. When they were trying to decide on a logo, they searched through marine books and found a 16th century picture of a Norse, split-tailed mermaid and they thought, “Well… she’s mysterious and intriguing so why the hell not?!” (Paraphrasing). Perhaps they should have used a gigantic whale, but that’s not very attractive (although the siren is also… not that attractive…) but lumpy mermaid > fat whale.

      Besides your lack of knowledge, the article was quite amusing and had me smiling. You have great ideas, but I think you need to make sure they are factual if you intend on bashing a company or a person. I know my opinion means nothing, but you have a good talent and should continue writing – just try to be a little more factual – even if it’s a humor site. You never know when someone will come on here and think you’re being completely serious.

      • I think I wrote this five or six years ago… and, I think it was meant as a, how do you say… a satire. I find it a little strange that you find the humor good, and come down on the facts so hard. I think I was trying to write humorously from the view point of Starbucks being so promiscuous with their old mermaid logo (because some Christian groups had said so), but I didn’t really support that point of view. Kind of like how Colbert takes a conservative point of view?

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