Scientology Rock – The Kiddy Pool Series, Volume 1

New Stand-Up Clips up on Rooftop Comedy

Vitamins and exercise
http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/watch/VitaminsAndExer...

Joe Zimmerman at the Diana Wortham Theatre in Asheville, NC - Half Full Productions

An awkward conversation
http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/watch/AnAwkwardConver…

Joe Zimmerman at The Loft in Columbus, GA – Comedy Zone

New Stand Up Clips on Rooftop Comedy

That Dirty, Dirty Starbucks Mermaid

Starbucks’ original logo (above right) was put to rest several years ago due to complaints about the promiscuity of the bare breasts and inviting position of the raised double-tail. Above left, is the replacement logo which features a more conservative mermaid. This year however, for a “special promotion,” the promiscuous mermaid/siren of old is back, and she’s already stirring up controversy:

Says Mark Dice, from a San Diego Based Christian Group, “The Starbucks logo has a naked woman on it with her legs spread like a prostitute. Need I say more? The company might as well call itself Slutbucks.”

Are you even allowed to say Slutbucks if you belong to a conservative Christian Group? I’m pretty sure you just got kicked out of your group. I’m also pretty sure you just unknowingly gave name to the next big X rated hit: “Slutbuck’s: you dirty, dirty Mermaid,” which will take place on a low budget set of a castle under the sea, with porn stars in cheap mermaid costumes, and the lead male part played by a guy in a lobster costume.

I rarely find myself in agreement with random quotes from hard-line Christian groups, but I must say—I kind of see what Mark is saying. I mean, look at the picture. This mermaid is not only topless, but her two tails are spread above her head, and held back by her hands, as if to say, “Hi, welcome to Starbucks!”
“Would you like to bang a horny Mermaid?”
Last I checked, mermaids don’t even have two tails, which means they’ve created an even more fictional mermaid (if that’s even possible) just for the sake of male fantasies.

Furthermore, can anyone tell me what mermaids and coffee have in common? Even Howard Schultz (the CEO) basically said something along the lines of, “Yeah, I just thought the mermaid was kind of hot.” Okay his actual quote was “rubenesque.” All I know about Ruben is that he painted a lot of naked women, so basically Howard was saying that the mermaid was naked woman-esque, so he makes a great point.

Now, using logic if a) a mermaid and coffee have nothing to do with coffee and b) the mermaid is the logo for a coffee chain than I conclude that c) the mermaid is there for subliminal, marketing purposes. That’s right, Starbucks is marketing to the growing demographic of pirates. If a pirate see’s the promiscuous mermaid sign, he’s pretty much going to think at long last, he’s made it to the port of all ports.
(Pirate enters coffee shop, looks around).
“Hi, welcome to Starbucks!”
“Yeah, yar, ahem. This be my first time here, I just saw the sign out front…(stops to look around-readjusts wooden leg-tells parrot to shut up). Perhaps you could point me to the eh, ahem…the mermaid concubines. Are they upstairs, or is that there metal machine some sort of aquarium? I’ve been out to sea for quite some time…oh I see I can get a tall dark one for two bucks, that’s certainly reasonable.”

Let’s face it, ever since Disney’s Little Mermaid came out, every dude has had a mermaid fantasy. You know the one I’m talking about, where you and the mermaid barista are going making sweet aquatic love in the prep sink, with the relaxing jazz of Wes Montgomerie playing on the loud speaker- she’s pooring hot espresso all over your chest and shouting, “Oh, don’t stop, keep going, you’re so..GRANDE!!” and you’re like, “That’s right I’m average…that’s just good branding right there…you, bad, bad little sea-creature!”

But you guys know the fantasy I’m talking about. You know, the one where she doesn’t say “tall” or “kid’s hot chocolate.”

Seduction Made Simple

Are you afraid of talking to beautiful women? Do you know any females who refer to you as a “good friend”? Do you make the “sweet love” less than three times a day? If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, you are what we in the seduction industry call, a Pathetic Average Loser (PAL). Through my Single Simple Step Strategy (SSSS), you can turn your life around, conquer your intense fear of women, and transform yourself from a PAL into a Dominant Alpha Male (DAM!), much like myself. A PAL’s problems start at a young age when teenagers develop the “Just Be Yourself Syndrome” (JBYS). Your parents and teachers have always told you to just be yourself around women. But you don’t know how to be yourself! Hell, you don’t even like yourself! Why should you? You’re just another average loser.

DAMs, such as myself, have advanced beyond JBYS to a state of being able to Appear More Attractive Than Our True Selves (AMATOTS). In my Single Simple Step Strategy I will show you how to effectively AMATOTS your way to success.

Simple Single Step Strategy (SSSS)
Step 1: Passion
“Great seduction artists aren’t great because of their technique; they are great because of their passion.
-Anonymous Alpha Male

All DAMs have one thing in common, and that is a Great Abundance of Passion (GAP). While PAL’s can’t tell GAP from a hole in the ground, DAMs are masters of GAP, or GAP Masters as we say in the Seduction Industry, or the Sedindustry. When you’ve got GAP, you’ve got “it.” As soon as you get GAP, Beautiful Attractive Temptresses (BATs) will be on you like PALs on Paxil. BATs will say, “I don’t know what it is about DAM, but I’d certainly like to continue having one night stands with him!”
BAT 2: “Oh, well that’s because he’s a GAP master.”
Broken down in to the most basic elements, GAP is the ability to be very excited about boring, day-to-day occurrences. When it rains, an average loser will pull out his umbrella, or hide under the nearest awning. An Man of Seduction on the other hand, will run outside, open his mouth wide, and drink the showers like a fine wine! He will jump in the puddles and when the lightning strikes he will shout, “I love lightning! I am filled with passion!!” Women will inevitably swoon and throw their clothes at him.
Night time is another good example of the contrast in GAP between PALs and DAMs. When the sun goes down, a PAL will yawn and say, “I’m sleepy,” while a DAM will walk out into the night, look up at the stars and passionately exclaim, “Oh aren’t the stars so beautiful?! Look at Orion’s belt. Look, oh look! I’ve never seen the North Star so clear!!” BATs will always agree saying, “yes DAM, I love Orion’s belt too! Let’s run a love marathon, tonight!” For centuries, scientists have been unable to explain why women find this enthusiasm so appealing. Recent studies indicate that BATs notice such enthusiasm and think, “Wow, if DAM can be that excited about boring stuff, he must really be enthusiastic in the sack.” I’ve certainly found this to be true of myself.

If you have read this far, you have very low self esteem.
The good news is, you can fake GAP (fGAP), and be 98.6 percent as effective as a genuine DAM. In my Simple Seven Step Method (SSSM) within my Simple Single Step Strategy (SSSS), even you can unlock the potential of your fGAP, achieve AMATOTS, and seduce the BATs of your wildest dreams.

The SSSM within the SSSS:
Step 1) Integrate these three words into your daily vocabulary: Fantastic, Fascinating, and Love. These are called “passion” words.
Step 2) Add two exclamation points to everything you say. For example: “This SSSM is fantastic!!”
Step 3) Drink five Red Bulls (for that extra boost of fake enthusiasm).
Step 4) Passionately walk up to the woman of your dreams..
Step 5) Show good conversational skills by focusing your passion words on her nouns. For example, here is one example of a successful conversation, in which a DAM utilizes a BATs nouns:
DAM: “Hey there hot BAT, how are you?”
BAT: “Good thanks, I’ve had a great day.” (Can you find the noun here? Hint: it rhymes with “quay.”) (and I highlighted it).
DAM: “Oh, what a coincidence, I love days!! That’s fantastic that we have so much in common!! Talk more about this “day” of yours, I find you fascinating!!”
Step 6) She is ready for you to make your move. Passionately ask, “Would you like me to kiss you like Don Juan?” When you ask this question, a BAT will do one of three things.
1) BAT says, “Yes.”
Solution: Proceed with kissing her as though you are Don Juan.
2) BAT hesitates and looks confused.
Solution: Proceed with kissing her as though you are Don Juan.
3) BAT says “No,” or “No thank you.”
Solution: Pause, and then exclaim, Fascinating!! Wait five seconds and ask, “How about now?” Rinse and repeat until BAT submits to your fGAP.
Step 7) Continue kissing her as though you are Don Juan for eleven seconds. Then say, “I’d love to show you something fascinating!!” Lead her by the hand to a passionate place, such as the ocean at sunset, or a random bush. Now you can make love to her as though you are Don Juan, but don’t forget your fGAP!! Fantastic!!

I have effectively used these simple strategies to seduce millions of BATs around the world, and with the right application, these are guaranteed to work for you! Guaranteed! I love it!!

Now just send me money and I’ll send you MORE free advice! Please send cash!! Fascinating!

Fresh Faces of Comedy

Upcoming Show! F2!

Catch Charlotte’s brightest, hottest comedians in this one night only show of newness, brightness and hotness. There will be unforseable twists, unimaginable turns, surprising surprises, glaring brightness, amazing giveaways, feverish hotness, special guests, and so much newness!

This is a unique show you don’t want to miss!